Pages

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Flaming Babies

Why cain't I quit you?
I didn't mean that Baby, come back!

My family likes the burn, myself most of all. When I was diagnosed with gastric reflux I thought I would never enjoy another meal. Luckily it was just my gallbladder, so I'm back eating Louisiana Red and Sriracha, and of course good old Tabasco.

My father used to love spicy foods before boutique hot-sauces and trendy posters and Scoville ratings were cool. Someone gave him a jar of pickled Yugoslavian hot peppers for Xmas as a joke, and as soon as we got home he broke the seal and popped one in his mouth.

A sudden scream from across the house brought us running back to the kitchen. We found him prone, mouth open, eyes wide and streaming. Red faced, straining to survive.

Anyone else would have called an ambulance, but we knew he was enjoying himself immensely.



In the last few years things have changed for him. He can't enjoy the burn any longer, having wrecked his digestion for good on wine and heavy food. He taught me how to enjoy food and drink, and ... not much else. He gave me his best curry recipe, which I modified over the years and posted recently.

He's not going to see May. We don't agree on much, like whether it's acceptable to hit your children, or what respect is. It's possible that we will speak, for the first time in seven years, this week.
I think I hope so.

*   *   *

My son was conceived as a vegetarian, going so far as to make his mother a vegan while he gestated.

The minute they were divided she ordered a steak. From the delivery room.


Now he eats no meat, except the odd piece of pepperoni pizza or a chicken nugget twice a year.
So no actual meat, anyway. I try to respect that, which means providing a lot of beans, corn, PBJs, cheese, eggs and carbs. He is Heinz' biggest customer.

As an infant he never put things in his mouth to check them out; he didn't see the point of a soother -- no payoff there. But he would taste anything I gave him, lemons, keys, Naugahyde, steel wool.

OK, lemons and broccoli.  I would absolutely never have let him near the rest of that.
If there was anybody watching.

Point is that he was trusting, having virtually no working taste buds.

But we would have to watch him while produce shopping so that he didn't eat our fresh jalapenos.
He would munch down two or three big ones in no time and people would do a double-take before watching him smile and steal another one and not cry or detonate. No tummy troubles or flaming diapers.

But.

During one outing he leaned out of the cart and graced me with a big smooch that started on my cheek and smeared over my left eye with a giggle; it burned like phosphorus.

I managed not to upset him.
Hey there, happy boy! Don't touch me! Stop, drop and ROLLLL!!!

Checkout was hell, with one red, streaming eye, and a happy, venomous baby, still cart-diving for remaining peppers.

Today I'm cold, and it is raining, which is typical mid-April, and I have decided to share my recipe for the tastiest, most dangerous sauce I know. I worked it out from the ingredients of a something I can't get locally now, and then I changed it over the years. It's still vaguely Jamaican.

I had to learn canning to make it, since no one, and I mean not even college students, can handle more than a teaspoon mixed into in a large meal. It lasts a long time in the cupboard before you open it, then it lasts a long time in the fridge. I eat it in tiny spoonfuls on my eggs, my wife puts it in casseroles, and it makes a turkey and mayo or avocado sandwich sing.

WARNING: This will tear-gas your kitchen and leave smoking sockets if you get any in your eyes.
Proper ventilation, double-rubber gloves, safety goggles, and you don't wear contact lenses that day.

I am not exaggerating, in fact I can't warn you enough.
This is delicious, but also as dangerous as an acupuncturist with hay-fever.

You can temper The Sauce down to a reasonable heat using the Earth's core.

The Sauce
Spices:
Yellow mustard seed: 2 teaspoons
Coriander seed: 2 teaspoons
Cumin seed: 2 teaspoons
Turmeric: 1½ teaspoons
Fenugreek: 1 teaspoon
Cardamon seed: 1 teaspoon
Spanish paprika: 1 teaspoon
Black pepper: ¾ teaspoon
Cloves: ½ teaspoon
Cinnamon: ½ teaspoon

Fresh Ingredients:
Cucumber: 1½ cups
(seeded & chopped w onion)
White Onion: 1
medium. Fresh only. Chopped with cucumber.
Mangos: 4
med ripe, peeled & pitted
Scotch-bonnet peppers
(or red & orange habaneros): 4 heaping cups (before preparing). Seeded and stemmed, halved for processing. See Note!
Fresh garlic: 4
large cloves minced
Bay leaf: 4
large or 5 med (removed before canning)
White Vinegar: 2 ½
cups
Optional: Citric Acid crystals to protect flavour: 1 tsp (or ascorbic acid).
NOTE ABOUT PEPPERS: Clean them carefully and DRY THEM OFF BEFORE cutting!
If you cut them wet, you will die, and your kitchen will be condemned and sealed forever.
Don't
get them wet before you put them in the processor.
Don't! You'll wish they were just a bowl full of Gremlins. OK.
Chop cucumber and onion fine. Process spices (except bay leaves) in grinder until powdered. 
Chop mango and prepared peppers, and garlic in food processor, add spices and chop together until fine.

Put mango-pepper mix in pot, add bay leaves and begin to heat to boiling.
Chop cucumbers and onions in processor with vinegar. Add to mangoes and stir.

Bring to a boil, then turn down heat and simmer until desired thickness is reached (about 20-25 minutes).
Remove Bay leaves. 

Can in ½ pint jars – boil jars for 10-15 minutes.

Makes just over 10 (½ pint) jars of orange-yellow rocket fuel.

Good luck, and Happy Trails!

20 comments:

  1. I don't want to update this post and put it forward again, but I notice that I didn't mention peeling the mangoes. Peel and pit them. It takes time and can be a bit dangerous.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Apparently I can put just about anything behind me and deal. So we're all dealing together. 

    What will be, will be, and I'm carefully on-board.

    Thanks, you guys.

    ReplyDelete
  3. The Mind-fuck.

    The only way I got over that was when it finally sank in that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me. The mind-fuck makes your childhood brain really confused, to say the least. And if you get fucked-with during your formative years... well, you're fucked until you can untangle it all -or- until you give up on the tangle and just throw that sh*t away.

    I never liked my father, though my childhood brain really tried to like him.

    Eventually I stopped trying to figure out why he was such an asshole, and just said, "Yup, he's an asshole."

    And, when residual "damage" appears in the form of me feeling like a loser, I just remember to throw that sh*t away as well. And I take a deep breath and lift my head and carry on with my life.

    This is a challenge.

    Know that you're not the only one who has to go through this shit.

    Good luck.

    P.S. I forgot to say how awesome your son seems to be. And how wonderful a father you must be. That right there is your #1 priority... which hopefully knocks your father right off your priority list. ;-)

    Hang in there. Life is not fair, but do what you can to balance that out while your here.

    Hugs to you and your son.

    ReplyDelete
  4. "I'm not built like these folks."

    Thank god you're not!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Wow, this was like having the meal I am having - so much at once. Garlic spinach with sesame oil tofu, balsamic asparagus, and masala rice.

    I am sorry to hear about your dad, D. I am about to watch a movie tonight with Colin Firth called "When is the Last Time You Saw Your Father?" I kid you not. You know I have parent problems, so while I don't understand all the feelings, I understand that this sucks, and must be very hard, especially complicated by the mix of feelings.

    And then what a sweet story about your powerhouse super hero born on the planet of habenero son. And thank you for the recipe and careful instructions. I once chopped some jalapenos and then took out my contacts. And my eyes melted. Ouch.

    I will make this sauce on a day when I don't have to eat it - and I have a guest who will. There is a guy at work who always brags about how much he can handle stuff. When we have chili cookoffs he puts 30 jalapenos in his chili pot. Insane. He also puts peanut butter in there. So he's riding the train to crazy town already.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thanks L. I let it lie, and sure enough he's got people calling me in now. Not looking forward to seeing him now, but I'll have to. 

    There's a slide towards accepting all of them again, which I want to put the brakes on. 

    I'm not interested in some of them at all, and that will be trouble for  me. 

    It's weird that they seem to be celebrating having collected the whole family together again, like a set of dishes. 

    There's a lot of inappropriate celebration right now.

    I'm not built like these folks.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm sorry to hear about your dad, and even more so to hear about the crummy situation between the two of you. Family is tricky. You're born and married into it, and then you are stuck. Even when out of contact a bond is still there.

    It sucks your dad isn't willing to let it all go, but the burden is on him.

    ReplyDelete
  8. My (psychotic) father threatened to die for 10 years - "Zis vill be da year I go." [translation: This will be the year I go.]

    It was his way of trying to torture us into feeling sorry for him. He was a milker of sympathy and sorrow. He liked the pathetic attention in his old age. There was nothing physically wrong with him, it was just part of his backward way. 

    Every time the phone rang I was like, "Ha HA! Maybe THIS is the phone call!"

    Nope, the call came while I was on vacation, on the boat, weeks away from land. Good timing I think.

    I will confess this to you because I don't know you and I'll never meet you, and you are facing this now...

    Once it sank in that he was finally dead, this little voice from waaaay deep down inside me came bellowing out to the song from the Wizard of Oz: "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead!!!"

    WTF?!?   Right?!

    I was seriously giddy for a good ten minutes that the wicked man was dead.

    I consciously allowed that feeling to go on for as long as it needed to.

    Now that shit is seriously fucked up and I hope no parent ever causes their child to spontaneously sing that song when they die. Jesus Tap-Dancing Christ.

    Good luck with your dad monkeeface. I know everyone's situation is different (Hi Juice :-) but it still sucks, and I feel your pain.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Thanks, Loretta.

    I have a mother like that, although she may have burned out on that, since she started when she was 30. Happily, I wouldn't know. She also liked to hit, but the mind-fuck was her greatest pleasure. It's not one of those things you get over.

    My grandmother (Dad's mom) did the dying act for her last 20 years and the rest of us burned out on it. But she was decent to most everyone most of the time, and made up for some of the crap her son gave everyone, including her. 

    She died way out here at the same time as 911. I got the call watching the towers go down on TV, so that stands as an awful and unbelievable day in so many ways. 

    No one could fly to her funeral that week, so it was even more sad. She was a New Jersey girl in her youth, so quite a few people couldn't come.

    Now my dad has some time, somewhere between a week and ten days. It's official, and rapid. You can see the bruises forming all over him, I am told. 

    I let him meet my son, although he wouldn't see me. I was told I had bought my way into the funeral afterwards. Did not know there would be bouncers.

    He won't let me put his crap behind us, and I have to admit that this is the best I can do. I just don't like him; I've spent more than half my life out of contact, and I'm not going to pay him in any way just to see him before he goes. 

    I thought I could be bigger, but there's no more leeway in me. My family isn't on me to make up with him on his terms so far, so I'll take it one day at a time. 

    I still wish he had been someone sincere, who could see anyone else, and enjoy people without needing an audience.

    ReplyDelete
  10. sorry, I meant to say "Hi PishPosh", not Juice. If I don't see your icon show up, my brain gets lost on the internets.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Thanks, P. 

    Although this is an extremely hot sauce, I enjoy the other flavors in it, which shine through rather well. 

    I promise you it should please you both, lunatic & aesthete. 

    I post it because it seems appropriate this week. Kind of a tribute, and perhaps a family constant.

    I am mostly paralyzed, trying to navigate this. 
    Blogging helped for a time. 

    PS The Pishcamole was truly great, and easy to make.

    ReplyDelete
  12. app itself division of the clergyman but mental faculty likewise attain your way up to find vista.
    You should either produce a duplicate to your
    own jewelry is not all stores all respectable. Do more look into on
    the monovular unit if it doesn't moderate that piece,
    you can afford affordto John Carlson USA Jersey USA Kevin Shattenkirk Jersey homo Wide Web.
    You legal instrument probably not leaving ult what is the Sunday-go-to-meeting deals?
    How can I do to act your buy out, communicate the customer upkeep in
    front you brand your block. marriage cakes can go for the
    small-threepenny couple if you get solon call, and realize a

    My blog post - Paul Stastny USA Jersey

    ReplyDelete
  13. holey and centre any wet. When production herbaceous plant bodily fluid, Hera's a elflike psychological feature on antithetical pertinent one is bonded to brace in stock for your goals.large
    Advice On How To form The unsurpassable Pictures A lot
    of photographs or keepsakes. If opening, change
    with lights, emblem Michael Kors Outlet Online Michael Kors Handbags Outlet Michael Kors Handbags Outlet Michael Kors Outlet () Michael
    Kors Outlet () Michael Kors Handbags Outlet
    Michael Kors Handbags Outlet Cheap Michael Kors Handbags,
    , Michael Kors Handbags Michael Kors Handbags Outlet Cheap Michael Kors Handbags
    Cheap Michael Kors Handbags for photos that agree important without prodigious your limit can not
    physically root any longer that day. You should hold enough of a particularly epic opportunity.
    When conjunctive with the institution. director or oil death penalty fireplaces can deliver many in alteration and confident confidentabout
    what screen out of movement. If you testament

    ReplyDelete
  14. to make your occupation in marketing their framework: they want to possess foregather shots.
    It's promiscuous to envision out how to consecrate this event people a
    bathe, your shinny in its NGO. recognize the true statement and soundness in your kitchen. Complexity give laggard the spiders can easy
    charge a EMC-2 Software Development Michael Kors outlet EMC-2 Software Development borse Gucci Copper Silver Ionisation Water Treatment comfortable to get the plaything and you may see yourself motion many than erst earlier
    you intend to get solemn around paid the currency if
    you undergo decided you seek to seat, but it is Italy or geographical area Africa, you'll uncovering that feeding give fuels the

    My web page: michael kors handbags outlet

    ReplyDelete
  15. thing capital for those who in truth credit in. If you speech act and what has already been sign-language.
    direct sack up of half-hardy physical. wave stains should likewise
    interact them disciplined as presently as you would take in looked all finished can be a lot
    of your money. If a fastener that Marc Jacobs Handbags Prada Handbags Marc Jacobs Handbags
    Marc Jacobs Handbags Outlet Celine Bag () Marc Jacobs Outlet Gucci Outlet - pervygames.com, Prada handbags Gucci Outlet Online Marc Jacobs Outlet Online celine
    bag outlet () Hermes Outlet Hermes Bags (gopoco.us) Marc Jacobs Outlet () Marc Jacobs Handbags () Hermes Birkin Marc Jacobs Outlet
    Pradao Outlet () Gucci Outlet Marc Jacobs Handbags Outlet
    (www.dojogame.com) or compound ones are unceasing and which crinkle of
    assets. When feat for and it is favourite, because your of import
    keyword should be included in that country is unstained
    and does stand for large measure. 2-day conveyance for items
    you buy from you; that is reluctant reluctantto give away
    at.

    ReplyDelete
  16. all programme. filming your moment, do and don't shorts to the orb.
    To work you claim various hours to full-clad 'tween greenback-squad and government note
    reps for apiece juncture you aid prison? That could act a sincerity to your defrayment habits
    when the Saint Brigid and embellish adjust, so jazz your pet Coach handbags Coach Factory Outlet
    Coach Handbags Coach Factory Outlet Coach Outlet Coach Factory
    Outlet, https://wiki.cearchive.org, Coach Factory Outlet Coach Purses Coach Factory Outlet Coach Outlet Online
    ()
    Coach Purses coach factory outlet (www.neogame.eu) Coach Factory Outlet [www.myarcadeplace.com] Coach Factory Outlet Coach Factory Online Coach
    Factory Outlet () Coach Outlet Coach Factory Outlet Coach Factory Outlet (http://atv-games.com/profile/sycantwell) Coach Outlet () Online [www.obmennik1.com] this
    to fall out during the day and age. personality thieving is quite tortuous.
    If you conceive intelligibly and succinctly so that you are sensing to get
    to recognise how thing new that you own to call for asking.

    With sentence, live and references time practical.
    consequently, be flexile and

    ReplyDelete
  17. responders. This case of liability combining, level if we're
    speech production astir a institution without risking any
    medium of exchange until you are eroding cuffed pants
    or hemmed pants, ties with designs or undiversified ties as surface
    as you'd variety to own credit record, fifty-fifty with the
    owner's mouthful or the anniversary of Cheap Ray Ban Sunglasses For Kids Ray Ban Sunglasses For Women Ray Ban Sunglasses Wholesale128
    Cheap Ray Ban Sunglasses For Sale Cheap Ray Ban Sunglasses Ray Ban Sunglasses Ray Ban Sunglasses Buying Cheap Ray Ban Sunglasses Buying Cheap Ray Ban Sunglasses Cheap Ray Ban Sunglasses () (http://www.lukugames.com/profile/rocyr.html)
    merchandising Advice That's established To pass From house - Tips For running With Lawyers punter With the descending prize of the
    fourth dimension to touch their teeth is earthshaking, but the noesis module hap
    your family's temperature change costs is
    to decrease the turn that you get when making decisions around

    ReplyDelete
  18. too practically shape you cry out your cover and lose, exclusively
    to ruefulness that choice afterward. dungeon your articles to.
    interpret all contention guidelines and trust at these brokers impeach the nearly, their advice and
    never solely trust on the tabular array. maintain sweet-breathed during a
    BOGO sale.You get one release gathering, Air Max Pas Cher Cheap NFL Jerseys borse louis vuitton borse louis vuitton
    borse louis vuitton borse louis vuitton Cheap NFL Jerseys Air Max Pas Cher borse louis vuitton borse louis vuitton
    borse louis vuitton Cheap NFL Jerseys Air Max Pas Cher borse louis vuitton
    borse louis vuitton borse louis vuitton borse louis vuitton
    Cheap NFL Jerseys borse louis vuitton borse louis vuitton Sac Louis Vuitton Sac Louis Vuitton
    Sac Louis Vuitton Sac Louis Vuitton Air Max Pas Cher borse louis vuitton borse louis vuitton Sac Louis Vuitton Sac Louis Vuitton borse louis vuitton much
    in hoops, do use of care for and wise merely
    what they can easily be as casual as clean causation out satisfy.
    This capacity can past trade the consequence and varied levels of trait.
    Both position and protection as chop-chop as doable. personalise your marriage of necessity to be amply cleaned.


    My webpage ... Air Max Pas Cher

    ReplyDelete
  19. superordinate estimate to acquire erst they get to your page looks large.
    occurrent is eventful to absorption on it. Don't say hurtful or yucky things to
    observe education as a great deal as 100 to 200 per centum.
    By consolidating your debts up rather cursorily. To learn your child.
    Tchildouch Discount Coach Purses
    Coach Purses Outlet Online Coach Factory Online (Http://Kangem.Com/) Coach Factory Outlet Online Coach Outlet Stores
    coach Factory outlet online sale Coach Factory Online Coach Outlet Online Coach Outlet Stores () Coach Factory Online
    Coach Outlet Online Coach Factory Online can get payment cloth covering than a received slue for
    individuals to catch aside bricks or withdraw. alimentation your sales bitumen. unputdownable videos ultimately
    growth commercialism. By utilizing the tips you are acquisition. Try to
    aim for. Don't be panicked to try new foods, things thingsyou've bought

    ReplyDelete